n then i scream n then i tore it apart, n then i cried n then i felt ignorant n then i was wrong n then i was desperate n then i fell into the darkness again n then i stood in silence n then my mind was blockd n then i said sorry n then i fought n then i admittd my mistakes n then i became defensive n then i ran away n then i couldnt sleep n then i felt lonely n then i made some new friends n then i pushed them all away n then i was solitary n then i made people happy n then i was tired n then i went to sleep

closing a chapter

for some people, July would be a closure to a chapter in their life. Most of my good friends were leaving the Netherlands.

Dan skrg udh pd lg siap2 embracing the new pages.

I barely made any appearance in their last chapter. There but not there.

Havent closed mine. Dunno when i'll be.

Yg jelas im not ready, tp im preparing.

Klo those visionary ppl already pictured what their perfect good-bye would look like, my good-byes always bear no relation to 'perfect'. I dont really hv that term actually. Having to always move from place-to-place made me pretty indifferent to what good-byes should look like, or felt like.

And of course I would muchly prefer the phrase "see you" than "good bye"

The ending of the chapters in my life would give the reader (if there is a reader) a sense of unfinished resolution, unfulfilled promise.. nggantung..

Setelah dipikir2, i dont really pay attention to 'closure' at any or every aspect in my life. Termasuk bikin tugas, kl udh bagian nulis kesimpulan, rasanya males banget. klo ngerjain project, udh deket2 pas mo presentasi dan membuat closure ato ending yg baik, sering jd tugas yg paling ngebebanin dan slalu gw kerjain setengah hati.

Same with friendship, same with love-relationship. Ya soal yg kedua mungkin lbih rumit. Sama yg pertama, basically i wouldnt want to hv a closure on any friendship. tp yg sering terjadi adalah us or me forget, overlook, even neglect.

ja ja..

but then i learn from my good friend to always let it go, and leave it to Him in the end. Of course this doesnt mean to really do nothing about it in the first place.

So my closure for 'My Netherland Chapter' has not come yet. And i hv no idea how is it gonna look like.

Tp yg jelas, gw yakin n gw tau kl i've learned a lot. Experienced a lot. I've changed.

I know more or less what kind of path I want to thread, altho i also know, in life you dont always get what you want :) (n some might argue that that depends on how much you want that something) and hope that GOd would lead me to it


roddelen is dutch for gossips
hey entah kenapa im hearing gossips about other ppl, about me lately
kyk bener2 numpuk gtu
semuanya frustrating
gossips can kill
can kill respect, can kill love, can kill tolerance and understanding
it wipes out compassion

ppl should stop believing what other ppl said about other ppl
really.. ya ampun..
how come they can b so mean?

why dont they reflect at themselves first, before exaggerating bout other ppl's fault?
yg juga myb was not like what it seems?
i've seen enough ppl hurt by this

they seem not to bother
to ask the particular person, "whats wrong? whats going on?"
they prefer to hv their own opinion n talk behind that person's back
opinions, merely opinions
weak statements
but made believable
from ppl who are letting their minds rot by not practising compassion to others

and the rumours spread
n was treated like a fact
they made it as a base to judge
point and frown at
killing more happiness on the way
made me wish that i know no human being at all
im jealous with everybody
iri vin, bukan cemburu

okay.. mungkin yg kedua juga
i think im being sorry too much n i hate myself a lot that i hv no room for forgiving myself, or being sorry, or liking myself, or even hating this life
i really thought of killing myself but i couldnt do it anymore
i know i did slit my wrist n it wasnt painful
but if i want to do it again,
repeatedly trying to scar myself again
it just didnt happen
im very tired of wanting to kill myself i couldnt do it anymore =/

masa mesti pake cara lain?
aspirin n booze (jarang beli booze)
minum obat banyak2 (ga terjamin)
gantung diri (ribet)
nabrakin diri (ya.. klo kliatan kyk accident trus langsung mati myb okay.. tp kl ternyata malah jd sekarat n sakit2 gtu.. kan ga enak)

dunno lah dunno

*dragging my feet and continue living*
gimme all the hate
gimme all the fear
the anger and the rage
say nothing coz i wont hear

gimme depression
gimme cyanide
im in a recession
i want to run and hide

gimme the darkness
the death and his sickle
im trapped in this loneliness
stab me in the middle

gimme ur hatred
that pity and the sweet talk
wont work anymore im throwing everything
inside my head into your face
i want to get angry
to be furious and shout
at you people
and scream until my voice went hoarse

im tired with your laughter
i cant smile with the lies anymore
why does everybody have to pretend that they're happy?
why are those masks?
why snickering at the back?
tell me straight on
dont pretend u care about me
dont give me that shit

im full of this hatred
yes its me
dont pretend u can accept it
dont pretend to tolerate


i dont know you
i dont know me anymore
i dont know us
i dont know who we are anymore
i dont know what i want
i dont know what u want
i dont know what i have to do
why do i have to make myself lost and confused?

suatu pagi di souvenir shop


this is my third week working at a souvenirshop in renaissance hotel.
i hv to start 8 am in the morning.. and by the love of God its very rare of me to wake up before 10!!!

last nite i stayed at elv's house it was her birthday the day before, so anyway i had to leave around 7.. imagine.. 7 o 'clock in the morning..

but i like working there. the pay isnt much but theres almost nothing to do as well :p in addition to that, i can read the (international porn) magazines n the newspapers all at my heart's content.. biasanya sih baca newsweek ato ga the economist :p

again, going up and about before 9 am is very hard for me. but nonetheless i did wake up 6.45.. sprayed some deodorant, got into my jeans, etc. and wlked out of the house 15 minutes later.

its a weird feeling, walking out while your "soul" is not really completely restored. i mean i always feel like im 3/4 awake when i walk out of the house going to work. like a quarter of my soul is still sticking outside of my body and that at this level im aware that i'll be more snsitive towards the "spirit" world.

staying awake while shop-attending is a real struggle. Regular coffee really cant do the job anymore. what i need is ESPRESSO.. pls somebody shot me with a double portion of it! (my mind -or whats left of it- screamed)

another advantage of working in a souvenir shop is of course you get to meet with tourists. so i can talk in english and not dutch. there was this japanese couple that mistaken me as one of 'em (hahaha.. oh yea i had the same experience with chinese ppl before). And then there's always this occurence of english ppl seem not to believe that the shop DOES sell english-newspapers, and that we sell TODAY'S issue, not yesterday or the week before.

Those guys keep coming in and asked "do you sell english newspaper?", "what time does today's english newspaper come?"
ehm sir.. the newspaper rack is in the front of the shop and if your eyes still good you can see that its today's edition.


with this new souvenir shop thing i have to be satisfied with 4-5 hours of sleep on weekends. saturday n sunday's work schedule for me would be more likely as 8-11.30 at the shop, 3.30-11.00 (or later) at the restaurant.
oh blm lg mesti babysit on weekdays and then sometimes the shop also needs me then.. furthermore i might hv to work at this indonesian take-away to replace someone who's on holiday..

Merciful God, please help me.. heheh emg butuh duit sih,.. tp capek juga :p

you guys reading this n u want to replace me pls say "ay"

some freak stole my blog!!

hehe.. due to some weird incident i have to change my blog's URL. The old one is now belong to a .. dunno.

This morning my best/goodfriend left NL and as a good/bestfriend I overslept n missed her flight. *shoot*


ya i got this hinch i'd b seeing her again in Indo.

I didnt go to the school's "prom" lastnite. gotta work. bummer. missed the whole graduation thingy as well

my plan so far: try to find a real job here :p sukur2 yg mo ngurusin working permit. i still got time until end August I guess to re-enroll at my school (retaining my student visa, smbil cari2 kerja)

but then there's also a possibility of me going to Indo in november or sooner

gee my life is soooo unpredictable rite now

dats good
im excited :p

bu nie.. take care.. all the best.. see you soon ^^

dont leave me

dont leave me please dont go
i dont want to be alone anymore
please tell me if anything's wrong
ure where my heart is
ure my home

im givin it
in givin it all up
there's none a better care-taker than Him

so can i still say "dont leave me?"
hey im afraid, cant you see?

buat semua yang mau pergi

cant stand the heat

maybe it IS because of the heat. For the umphteenth time in my life, im confused. i dont know where to go. ppl said that now they are going to the next battle.
my case, very predictable, i dont know which battle? i dont smell any gunpowder?
all i know that im about to tread in a plasmic ground (borrowing ur phrase :p)
neither solid nor liquid, nor gas..
see.. THAT undescribable
im not happy for what is unknown to me
not a pleasant thing
and i dont like to share unpleasantness
that is what made me more sour

i hv to find a job
dear God, i have to find a real job
and that is so scary
all of my insecurities and negativities are rushing back
if i cant find a job then no way i can stay

she askd me to go home with her, then we can do projects together
i'd love to but i hv to decline
i instead decided to stay with him
i made a promise to myself at least try to survive this one

saying goodbyes is what im worst at
i can never stand it
especially to someone near
u know i always try to avoid every sort of emotional display

again, i dont like what im in -the whole situation
so i prefer hiding
but ok, now ive shared it with you, hope u understand