reasons why i broke up

everything happens for a reason... rite?

so when a gf asked me why i broke up,
part of me doesnt want to go back to the past, recollecting the things that had happened
part of me said i need to do that.. just to have an answer to above's question.

and so, i took a deep breath, and start with:
1. i hv 2 admit that after all what happend, we dont hv that strong base 4 an LDR
2. i am overwhelmingly anxious/uneasy/u-name-it while he's more the carefree type
3. he thought that his feelings for me was more like to a friend, knp aku bilang "thought" bukan was atau is? soalny i detect a tone-change :p so he might b lying. anything to get rid of me :)

umm.. yg bagian neurotic ini yg rada bothering me..

why sy overtly-anxious?

even the ex that i thought was overtly an attention-giver, also said that i'm neurotic.

knp sy bgitu uncomfortablenya?

i think somebody said that if u're not comfy wit urself, then u can never b comfy wit others. ternyata sy blm sepenuhny sembuh dari negative feeling n thoughts :p negativity/pesimism-->neuroticism, no?

tp aku ngecek2 lagi sih di, if i fit those words "neurotic, anxious," emm partly yes. but one word that also surprised me: obsessive o_O
moi? hmm.. masa sih?

*after clicking a few times*

oh,.. okay, pheww.. ngga kok.. obsessive tu berlebihan (or mybe i am, i am obsessively neurotic :p)
and i was confusing it with: possessive

now that.. i've got nothing to do with.

and umm i thought i was going to write this long list.. but.. apparently i could just stop at #3 (geez.. that's boring)

mum, mum, mum, i'm okay.. :)

mum, thanks for the call :)
i'm okay, i fell hard
but i'm up and ready to face em all

lotsa luv,

hari ini saya putus..

'twas the beginning of a weekend
when i broke up with my boyfriend
no special reason, no complain
i cried in the phone, to a friend
told her that my love was slained
and that i feel no different
a dead mouse in the kitchen

ahum.. it's real.. i did find a mouse, a dead one, as i came back from the office this evening..
dan.. mengapa housemate ku tdk ad yg peduli??? well emg sih ni weekend.. no one's here besides me.. (and the dead mouse)..
jadi tadi akhirny ak yg masukin tu tikus mati k trash bag..
dont ask me where i got the courage from..
tp yg jelas ak ga tega n pengen nangis :'(
tikusny lucu soalny..
n it looked cute..
tp dia mati..
ya ampun..
badanny udh keras.. :(
poor mouse..

does everybody flirt with the FedEx guy?

One thing that I enjoy the most working .. umm.. doing an internship at this office is giving packets to the FedEx pick-up guys (umm.. men?). I dont know if the company purposefully supplied themselves with cute hunks as pick-up people. Has someone done a statistic or survey about this? I mean, how come that every FedEx people that popped in to this building are cute? and most of them are males.. no FedEx lady.

The receptionist downstairs is the luckiest one, she got to see every FedEx person coming in to the building. While me can only have a glimpse on those who came to pick-up a packet of my company's. (note: there are several companies in the culture-building of Ganzenmarkt 6). Way sending out packets? Well it's a (good) thing that would occur frequently in an organization is active in multi-national relation/network.

Back to my speculation on why FedEx people are worth to be stared at. Yeah.. mybe the company has done some research that most of the peoples who would personally give the packet are women, plus most receptionist in every part of this world is women, and they are hoping that the company where the women works will send out more packets. Because these women would do things to make their company send more packets, by:
  • persuade their bosses, or if they are themselves are bosses, they would obviously know how to send more packets with the FedEx (while still efficiently uses the company's budget)
  • make small errors on the form so someone (cute) from FedEx has to return

    Or maybe, the ruler of the FedEx empire is a SHE, and this SHE very much prefer to be surrounded with cute males..


    Now i wish i could be someone like that... ;)
    well i'm sure i will do such a thing if i could have my own company and i get to choose my employees.. hehehehe... *tawa nista*

    anyway.. do you know that volle joghurt is actually tasty? 2 sugar cubes + 200 ml of it = =9
    I just gulped down the combination.. *slurrrpp*
  • this is what's in my head, today..

    sum'times it occured to me, that after all that i've done: the arrogance, the lies, the loathe, the hatred, the betrayals, the self-destructive thoughts and deeds, the envious words, the lies, and the lies (i lie a lot)..

    I shouldn't have survived in this world if it's not by the prayers of my parents, and other people that are good-and-kind hearted enough to pray for me.

    it's also because of God's mercy for a puny little useless me. why should God be merciful on me? is it because God is just like that? or is this a question that should not be asked by any living creature that believes in God?

    somehow i am hearing this faint sound: "Then you should try harder so that God's mercy is not for-nothing"

    and then an another voice: "Being merciful is what God do, randomly.. Because there will be times when you feel totally neglected. Try harder or no, it would not matter. Same Shit Different Day."

    And then I have to make a decission on which should i pay attention to

    the day i blew my fuse


    why do i have to be unstable?
    i'm okay basically
    i just blew out my fuse
    i think i'm going mad as i reach tomorrow

    i cant wait to see my friend
    i just need some other human being to talk to
    i dont want to go online
    because i need a real person
    and that boyfriend of mine is very totally unavailable right now!!!

    mybe he hate me after this
    and he'll break up with me
    uh-oh there goes my negative thoughts again
    if i kept on thinking like that, he WILL
    For the kind of person who believe nothing than the Might of God u r pretty pathetic!! i know .. i'm sorry.. i dont even keep my words anymore!!!
    what i should do:
    bikin list

    FIRE EMBLEM N FFTA are so fucking addictive
    gw masih penasaran
    man tp itu kan ga penting banget!!
    come on...
    dont u ever feel the sense of responsibility?
    the holy 'R' word?????

    n now i need some sleep
    i need something self-destructive
    n so far i eat
    if u dont start loving urself, how can other people love you?
    no i'm still learning..
    i appreciate those who unconditionally gave their love to me
    but i'm sorry i cant love myself!
    not right now..
    i'm so fucking pathetic
    i am now even confused should i be happy, mad, or sad?
    should it be the mixture of those three?

    writing should help, they say..
    i think that those help are the kinds of writings that is self-doctrinizing..
    if i wrote i'm okay a couple hundred of time maybe i will really be okay.
    u know, mind work at sun-conscious level?
    now who the fuck will give a damn about that?

    MARILYN MANSON - ( Disposable Teens Lyrics )

    And I'm a black rainbow
    And I'm an ape of god
    I got a face that's made for violence upon
    I'm a teen distortion
    Survived abortion
    A rebel from the waist down

    I wanna thank you mom
    I wanna thank you dad
    For bringing this fucking world
    To a bitter end
    I never really hated a one true god
    But the God of the people I hated

    You said you wanted evolution
    The ape was a great big hit
    You say you want a revolution, man
    And I say that you're full of shit

    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable
    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable teens
    We're disposable

    You said you wanted evolution
    The ape was a great big hit
    You say you want a revolution, man
    I say that you're full of shit

    The more that you fear us
    The bigger we get
    The more that you fear us
    The bigger we get
    And don't be surprised, don't be surprised
    Don't be surprised when we destroy all of it

    Verse of the Day

    "There is no moving creature on earth but its sustenance dependeth on Allah. He knoweth the time and place of its definite abode and its temporary deposit: All is in a clear Record.

    -Qur'an Hud, Surah 11:6"

    Small note:
    Kenapa aku ngepost-ngepost ginian?soalny lagi sering self-contemplating, and the daily verses that popped into my inbox is one tool to help me, even though they were instantly being recognized as spam. Ga heran sih.. I guess yg ngirimin juga bisa dikategoriin as spammers. But again, I like the random Koran verses they sent. Laen2ny engga.. they also have this daily quotation things. Yg kadang sounded silly dan tokoh yg di-quote juga ga familiar sama sekali. I mean, I googled the person and it showed no result.