dying.. payah ah ni...

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you,
without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you,
that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this
heart that's coping with
laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction,
get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion,
so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory
that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back
so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this
but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this
but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

n thn my mobile beeped
a message received
it was from him :)
replied "im missng u"
n then silence..

ok, did i say sumthin wrong..??

ulma's current condition

so i've successfuly ended another relationship (yet-to-be, though)

n school's still a wreck

ah well, there goes one burden.. and pleasure :)

we had great time, thank you

yg sabar Ma, all will end well, for now just concentrate on work n ur school.

and how r u gonna manage ur life, financially

entar klo wktunya pas, when its time, when its the right person, He will show it to you.. *amen
(doa org single yg pengen pacaran :D)
3 Libras

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

i would love to fall from the sky
as gravity pulls
the sky gives away
the earth is sucking me through
sucking me down

kalimat yg paling gw takut adalah, "gw boleh jujur ga.."
i mean, itu bener2 fifty-fifty.. either the answer would be extremely blowing your head off with happiness, ato being stomped by gazillions of angry stampede of elephants

"ok, i know it already.. lu ga usah sok2 pke kyk gtu dong ngomongny"

but lets assume that #3 is the thoughts of a ms. know-it-all.. which only makes up of 2% of female population (yes, really..)

so when tonight, the guy i like said this to me, after i told him that i felt uneasy, having this feeling.. that i like him, but i shouldnt feel like this. he has a girlfriend for God's sake.. he should realize that.
and me, i know i wouldnt like it if my bf cheated on me, i should control myself, if he couldnt control himself. imagine if i were her.. oh my God, i know im not supposed to feel/be like this.
I tried to get away from him
i didnt really mean it

*here it comes.. (helding my breath n dive in to the water)


i dont want to see tomorrow
he might not be there
i might not be here
i dont want to see tomorrow
coz i know i will face the consequences
of the things i've done yesterday
and today
i am being a mouse
coffee tv and guilt-free
and my main interest is IT

i dont want to see tomorrow

hup hup een twee drie..

lg liat tivi
mencet2in tombol remote
stopped at this channel
wah lg aerobik!
hehhe langsung ikutan
wait.. sumthin's wrong
heheh peserta aerobiknya dong
like the show-manager pick up the people from the street
hey you
come in
we got an aerobic show and u got to be in there
u know what?
trying hard to get in-tune with the aerobic instructor
moving arms and leg to right, and left
woman in her sari
woman with a purple dress
woman still in her make-up
i guess she just went to the morning market

its funny
well anyway we move our hands up n down
sideways, bending knees
n 15 minutes later its over :D
F*** u stupid b**** (referring to one of my housemate)
asli gw ga cocok ma dia
*calming down*

ya gitu de :)


okay, i was over-reacting
its all fine now
writing does help :)
im fine, im fine im fine
:) :) :)
its just this stress thingy
now.. focus on the assignment..!

(and that other cute new guy ;D)

no no no

i'm in love again
it's bad
it's very very bad
no no no please no :'(


person . .

love's like suicide


three times
thats enough
huwaaa :'(


hmm i dont know
i dont feel quite happy
something's empty here
something's hollow

i know why
im trying not to :)
its not wise
i better stay away

watch out..

its all fun and games
joy and laughter
tricks and pranks
no regrets after

careful where you probe
you got too deep you wont want to let go
lets get inside lets get warm
dont you want to creep to my arm?

hush dont talk
nothing else is there
what you want is here
through the trees
follow the mark
hear that sweet whisper?
hear that melody?
do you smell that?
roses n turnips n all the wondrous scents

you forgot the princess
you forgot the dragon
no castle, no witches
just me, and you, and the moon

in-between the fuzziness today

waktu2 gini, mid-day.. dingin banget
matahari nusuk lewat jendela Y-2
tadi pagi wktu turun dari bis, the ground is covered with a thin crusts of ice.

di sebelah kiri, ada a couple.
ga tau apa itu lovebirds ato project group, klo yg kanan jelas project group
yg cewe.. kayak mix turki gitu. yg cowo kyk ada asia2nya (well both r kinda asian in some way).
they giggle n chat happily
sambil makan roti isi masing2
dan minum chocomel
so so cute
kayaknya all the problem in the world is not existent
and before leaving si cowo ngasih coklat ke cewe
yg cewe bongkar2 roti cowony
hhooww ccuuttee !!

sebelah kanan, the project group
2 cewe dan 1 cowo. dont really know in what year are they
tp tadi ngomongin branding. hmm.. communication? probably.
yg cowo n cewe dua2ny berkulit hitam, satu cowo kyk anak cina/asia timur gtu.
all three are not Dutch.
yg cewe pke jilbab
yg cowo kulit itam typical them, ngomong inggris cepet, not very comprehensible

trus, marjolijn n lida, discussing stuffs about their challenge project. those two girls rock!

so i wont b having this kind of environment in a couple of months. which is kind of sad. im sure im gonna miss this place a lot :)
i grew up here (sad but true :D)

almost homeless

two.. four.. six.. fourty-five.. €6.45

i lookd into my shopping basket: one pack of wok-veggies, 500 gr flour, 0.5 dozen eggs, 200 gr euro shopper pure chocolate, 100 gr albert heijn white chocolate. i hope the girls still have some sugar left.. and i do hope that my money is enough for the groceries.

im really broke now, my bank account is minus 399.32 euro, i dont really hv any income, and i just spent the last of my money on ingredients for brownies.

when i was in the metro earlier, on my way to central station, there was this guy, with typical homeless-appearance, scruffy clothes, dirty rugsack containing God-knows-what, that made a speech to the people in that compartment. "Ladies and Gentleman, today is such a wonderful day ..bla bla bla.. us, homeless people, where we can do activities together..bla bla bla.. so please give us any amount that you like, bla bla bla..". And then he starts walking around. Well, as you can probably guess, nobody really gave anything.

When he walked nearer (i was standing with my back facing the man), I was feeling the 20 cents in my coat-pocket, determining that i would give this 20 cent for the guy. well, in fact, he just walked past me. and then the metro stopped, and he got out. after that people smirked at each other, i didnt really get what they were saying, i could feel the mixture of guilt (didnt give the man any cent) and relief (that he got out) from the people.. for i quite felt the same way. If it wasnt for the kindness of Mba Mey (my housemate), I could still have a home.. and internet.

And I was wondering if I already did something in gratitude for all the blessings that I've got thorough the year. I am in fact, almost homeless you know. As i came to realize, the person in the metro was also quite nice, he made a speech first, at least. I know some beggars who just walk around the metro, shoving their palm to people, asking for money. And then there was this one street-musician, saxophone-player to be exact, playing the intro of "But you Needn't".. but that was it :D LOL.. after the intro, he played some unrecognizable-jazz-wannabe?-tune n then go back to the intro :D heheheh.. and after a while he would stop playing, turn the saxophone so that the umm that bigger hole part where the noise came out faced the ground, and.. some clear liquid flowed through.. OMG.. well you know what it is.. xD
Some people would say, "there goes another beggar".. they dont have any difference, whether they askd for money straight on your face, made a beautiful speech, or played an intro of a supposed to be cool jazz piece over and over again.

Is that right?

What exactly happend? why are those ppl on the streets?
what if you were them? you hv no place to go, you are hungry, you want to eat, but you are on this big city, you have nothing, you want to work, but you have NOTHING.
you people reading this, are either lucky, or you do work hard to earn everything that you have right now.


after a long and exhausting (it was four am in the morning and i havent slept a wink that day) conversation on my current faith condition. a friend of mine sent me an email. he didnt say anything on the body of the message, for the most important thing that he wanted me to realize, was on the attachment of that email message.

it was this:

I dont recognize the hand-writing, although i know its mine, its just.. i feel indifferent towards it. in fact, i cant identify myself with the person who wrote the thing.

it was written 3.5 years ago. right before i left Holland. The Ulma that wrote the letter was really a different person from the Ulma she is now. I love changes :) Altho sometimes it can be a little scary.

Anyway, the point why my friend sent me back the letter (he scanned it actually), is that he wanted to remind me, of the person i who used to be. He tried to remind me, that I am the one who had made him realize, that shalat is important.

Looking at myself now, to the kind of person I hv become.. I really dont know how I should think. I have this thought that, I WILL go back to him. Some day in the future. Soon, I hope. And that little voice inside my head said "what if.. what if you never find your way back?"


I did this FS-Bulletinboard-Questionnaire thingy.. its about Mum
if u think u know much about ur mom, try to
answer this Qs... here we go!

1. what's mom cooking?
* sayur kangkung/bayem, ayam kecap (basics tapi yummy)

2. what's mom fave. food?
* she loves everything! hehehe

3. what's mom fave beverage?
* hmm.. aer putih.. she's a big fan of mineral water

4. what does mom love to cook?
* anything simple n delicious :D

5. what's mom fave color?
* brown - earthly colors

6. what's mom fave song?
* hmm.. she loves songs by chrisye (terutama yang "aku masih anak sekooolah.. satu es-em-a..") easy listening stuffs, pop

7. what's mom hobby(s)?
* hmm.. socializing, hahaha..

8. what does mom dislike?
* dirty kitchen, messy bedroom, rats and mices!! :D (dan sebangsanya)

9. what does mom usually do?
* going out with her friends :D (again, socializing) and making sure that everything in the house is clean and tidy

10. what d'you think about ur mom?
* the person who i look up to on many things :)

after i read it a couple of times.. it occurs to me that some parts of me are the total opposite of Mum.. i savor coffee instead of water, my room is all messy, i love rats, i dislike being around people for too long (or too much), i dont really have principles in my life (although my faith told me that Islam is the only true principle, i hardly practise it).

for the rest, its true that i look up to her. i want to have her unlimited energy to set up things right, i want to have her radiance and keen eye for neatness and organization. but thats about it, for the rest, i refuse to be like her. she's a different human being and i am not her.