so you want to be a gypsy?

sometimes i thought that i want too little out of life, or too general, not specific: happiness in this world and of course the hereafter. I tried to make it more specific, did self-searching, focus more on myself.. did things that make me happy.. it didnt work. i turned out to be super-selfish.
so i concluded that maybe i can never be like those people with high dreams and aspirations, have specific objectives and goals, what to pursue in their life. well, i know i could if i want to, but all these times i found out that i cant really focus on myself :p people told me that you have to know what you want in this life. what if im just one of those ppl who dont want a lot of things..or am i the only one? :P Like.. why go to Holland? honestly the only thing that passed my mind was 'the adventure' :p
why work in NGO? coz its adventurous, you never knew when you get the money, and you can travel.. plus you get to help other ppl, and even got paid!
of course i like money, all the nice things you could buy with it. and i like working, do/create stuffs.. so i can never see myself as an investor who just put money somewhere and let it grow (yet) xp and definitely, i dont want to be a burden to anyone. i dont know, im 24 so myb its already to late to change my mind-set.
i know i did a lot of bad/irresponsible things in the past. some of them came out of arrogance when i got too comfortable with my life. so maybe i am not allowed to be too comfy coz then i'd forget about othr ppl.. and Him.
myb ppl will say 'you wont say the same thing when ure rich&successful'. umm yea.. im still doubting if i will ever reach that stage...
i dont know.. myb i had a too happy childhood xD no worries and carefree..
or myb its the weather..
oh living up to parents' expectations? my parents are pretty laid-back.. the kind of parents who'd love you just the way you are..
so tell me, should i be worried? xD

--an extended version of my text msg to DaD

days so long, when you're young

i can really listen to Harriet Wheeler's sweet voice any time of the day <3
Town lights shining,
this is the place for me now.
Blurred - loving every word.
This hill, yourself, and I.
(The Sundays - Gone)

Before I really forgot to mention it here..

Please enjoy Found songs:
Erla's Waltz | Raein | Romance | Allt var hljott | Lost Song | Faun | Ljosid

Thanks so much, the shelf.

‘Found Songs’

Day I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII

this is what a friend told me when i told him about my 'problems':
11:43:29 AM:
whoa.... you should go home and get married
tsk.. tsk.. tsk..

Portishead - Glory Box

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long..

7 pounds.
a movie that left me feeling
extremely empty
extremely hollow
i swear i could somehow feel how ben thomas might feel.
will smith really notched up his acting skills.
that sad wry face of his..
reminds me of another actor
but dont remember who -_-
aargh. made me want to curl up inside my blanket,
and listen to jimi goodwin's mournful voice..

and you will mock me for being overtly dramatic


i posted a reply on a facebook status this morning.. its really silly.. :p something i did when i just woke up, a bit dazed, n found a rhyming competition.. (ok it wasnt but felt like that to me.. lol)
Ulma Nurriva Haryanto op 16 mei om 9:01
sparrow and crow
both dont know
sticky marshmallow will clamp their maw
they fly too low
became too slow
poor bird can't eat no more
no shallow thats too narrow
nothing hollow to follow
for them there's no tomorrow
birds should not eat marshmallow
but how could they know
nature's stone's throw
when their fore
slashed open by the king's arrow

morale: the king likes to shoot birds when he has nothing to do. if you're a bird dont eat marshmallow.
and the previous lines goes like this (othr names r hidden to protect their privacy :p)
I: am i too shallow to swallow?

Gisteren om 3:41
Ulma Nurriva Haryanto op 15 mei om 11:39
only when you follow the hollow..
D: om 1:48 op 16 mei via Facebook Mobile
maybe u need marshmallow

lick them, chew it slow

but don't just swallow

so you'll forget all the sorrow

n see a better light tomorrow

that the world is not that narrow

(from a friend's note)
I om 3:38 op 16 mei via Facebook Mobile
would she be a sparrow or another crow?
That i don't know
yeah.. its full of sticky stuff, swallowing, chewing n licking...n dead birds o_O
(re-post from elvin's).
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice,

“Let me tell you a story.I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.”

He continued,

“It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the
right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked,

“Which one wins, Grandfather?”

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

well for me it doesnt have to be anger and hate.. its also for all the bad things in you.

i guess everybody's gotta learn sometime..

..yuu gottaheff ayyee..

nyahaha im sad.
every time i tried to lift up the mood.
be happy, make it easier for myself
things will go wrong.
its my fault, i know..
things look okay, n then not, n then its ok again,
n then i said something n then

n the anxiety attack:
heart beating faster, breathing gets harder,
chest hurting, head almost explodes.
n i wonder if im strong enough
its going to be a long month.
i wonder if im gonna survive :p
either these anxiety attacks will kill me first, or just me..
i can also throw it away, like i used to

perseverance is hard.
for the meantime just try to communicate happy positive stuffs.

Ulm's Vegetarian Strogatelle

when i do something n its fun, i dont want to get too serious about it. (lately just realised that its not a good idea to apply it on a relationship). one of those things that i considered as 'fun' is cooking. for me cooking is leisure, apart from doing it to fulfil basic necessity of feeding. im still learning, try out recipes as much as i can..

so today i made a "Vegetarian Strogatelle" (click for original recipe). The original name was Beef Strogataki, it's spposed to be a cross-breed of beef stroganoff and shirataki fettucine noodles the recipe called for. N mine's vegegetarian strogatelle coz i modified the beef to vegetarian meatballs, n used tagliatelle instead of fettuccine :p its simple n easy.. nyahaha.. wntd to try it out coz i nvr used the gravy mix+yoghurt+cheese wedges combination bfore..

250 gr of vegetarian meatballs
400 gr of tagliatelle
1.5 cup sliced mushrooms
1 cup thinly sliced onion
2 wedges The Laughing Cow Swiss cheese, room temperature (also yummy as snacks ^^)
2 tsp. dry au jus gravy mix (vlees jus)
2 tsp. plain yogurt
salt and black pepper, to taste
olive oil

Cook tagliatelle. Here's how my uncle taught me do it: mix salt, (olive) oil when boiling the pasta. normally they take 6 mins. to cook (check the packaging), make sure u stir 'em occasionally, check the texture, cooked pasta should be all tender n smooth (u can taste it if u want). n then drain the water, splash shortly with cold running water. Set aside.

Pour some olive oil on a pan to medium-high heat on the stove. Cook meat in the pan until fully cooked. Set aside.

Combine gravy mix with 1 cup water and stir until dissolved. Carefully pour mixture into the pan (over medium-high heat on the stove). Add mushrooms and onion, and cook until veggies are tender and sauce has thickened, about 7 - 10 minutes.

Add cheese wedge and stir until melted. Add yogurt and stir well, until sauce appears uniform and ingredients are thoroughly combined.

Add noodles and meatballs to the pan, and mix until completely coated. Season to taste with salt and pepper, and eat up!


other stuffs that i like to do:
going to the beach! (thanks elvin for the trip to the edge of the world :p)
lie there under the big blue blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the smell of seawater, the rush of waves.. perfect <3
exploring! go jungle trekking n stuff.
doodle :3
and one day i want to go canoeing again!

..need to take that bus,
Goodbyes aren't all that good..
(The Radio Dept. - Bus)

more rawdy

A mad driver driving the car of the future

An imaginary Ford Focus
changing blog theme.. (and title =p)
bye bye <:3)~* di sini ada tikus.. we had great fun =']

...harusnya sebelum diganti screenshot dulu tadi ya... -_- bodoh

(Thank you, google..)

rehab day 3 or where am i?

i usually dont really care about what other ppl say/think.. dont care about 'credibility'.. following my own weird drumbeats.. but lately what ive done was messing with my own life and other ppl's..
myb locking myself away from the society is better xp
i guess im gonna stick with this 'lifestyle' for awhile..

meh.. okay okay.. not locking myself away.. that's too dramatized...