when does it start to loose its meaning?

I Love You.

I Love You.
I swear I do.

Although my thoughts constantly rejects you.
Although my conscience keep yelling,
"Oh this is wrong! This is so wrong!!"

I Love You.
I do!

And of course,
of course I want to marry you!
You'll be happy,
who cares if I'll be blue?

I Love You.
I really do..

or at least I am trying to.

something that shewrote but hesitate to post :p

sumtimes u say it like ure just reading from a text
sumtimes u really want to say it but u know ur heart will break from the moment those words escape from your lips
coz u cant handle the consequences and that it might hurt you more than u can imagine

oh.. n lookie lookie here what i've found:

they also hv a list randomizer. mine look sumthin like this xD i think it can help me with my list of priorities.. lol..

True Random Number Service

List Randomizer

There were 3 items in your list. Here they are in random order:

  1. get married

  2. get a masters degree

  3. hv children

Timestamp: 2008-10-29 13:11:40 UTC


a dr. phil moment..

talk about what ppl want in their life.. i for example, am always unsure xD

i cant think about myself, what i want, coz i will always add other ppl to the equation. and when there's nobody else to think about besides myself, for example, should i go to holland after high school, or stay? i'd leave the decision to "the condition, to momentum". so at that time, "if i passed all the test i'd go", so it wasnt about, "do i want it?" :p well yea of course i wanted the adventure, but.. apparently it's spposed to b more than that xD
and choosing which major, i still kinda regret why i didn't go for IT instead :p

but.. anyway,

not be able to think for myself has made me a person who:
-cant say no
-make promises that i cant keep
-is very uhm.. indecisive. thats why i suck at decision making, thats why i prefer to flip coins.. if only every decisions can be made as easy as flipping coins xD unfortunately most of the time there's more than two options n ppl wont accept the reason "the coin said so". (see im thinking about other ppl again). i also oftenly changed my decision in a snap just bcoz other ppl said differently.

-screwed list of priority. coz instead of working out things thats important for me first, i'd tend to work on/think about what might b important for othr ppl.

so me n prima talkd about this yesterday, and the cousin of hers yg know exactly what she wants, and sticks to it and be happy although her parents (her mum) disapproved in the beginning and gave her a hard time. but it just came thru in the end, and she's happy. oh how i wish i can be like that.

prima also pointed out the fact that i dont know what i want. the recent example of course when i bought a one way ticket to indonesia only to change it to retour the week after. as my brain lookd for possible reason why im being so indecisive, i said to her that "its because as a kid i nvr made decisions for myself, my family moved around, n im always in the condition where everything has been arranged for me".

annnnd then prima said, in short, "get a life.. dont blame ur past, u can always blame ur past for the rest of your life, do you want to stay that way?" - yeah but of course she didnt come out with that on her own. guess where she heard it... OPRAH hahah..

well anyway, thats true.. i really hv to work on this.. umm indecisiveness.. the problem is, when i try to think again, what i want.. well i always think that most ppl dont know what they want. what they want might not be good for them while what they dont want might actually hv been better. plus this miswanting paper iko gave me.. hahah.. just highlighted that. so the authors coined the phrase ‘miswanting’ which they defined as the condition when wanting and liking are uncoordinated in a way such that when finally getting what u want, u realised that u dont like it. (hereby the term "be careful what u wished for" can be applied :p)

So their conclusion was:
1. Want is susceptible to error
2. Even when people could predict how much they would like something when it happened, they still cant predict how it would affect them in the long run.

because we might misunderstood events, misunderstood ourselves, and misinterpret the feelings.
because happiness is actually influenced by a lot of other stuffs, and its just impossible to think about all of these other stuffs.

but anyhow, i think those wont apply to ppl who really2 understand themselves..

my dad said something along the line of: that although most of the time ppl dont know what they want. praying and therefore clearing our conscience and asking for His guidance helped coz He gave us brains and with a clear mind we could "hear" Him

elvin said: its a matter of expectation management (gee hv to look that up)


satu jam yg lalu.. 2 am
dan sekarang .. masih 2 am xD (thanks to automated dst changing pc n mobile phone clocks.. jd ga perlu cape2 mundurin jam)

yea thanks to daylight savings time ppl can sleep an hour longer.. :D
or for ppl who werent asleep yet, it felt like the time stopped o_O


Dear .,

the truth is, i don't know if any of these is love

but i guess we could still get married
i promise I'll learn how to love you
i could also promise to think of things other than how to love you
be a good wife, do the house chores, etc.

nobody needs butterflies in their stomach rite?

(imagining conversation with God)

"Tuhan saya menikah karena mencari pahala."
"Tentu boleh"
"I dont know if I ever gonna be happy"
"You'll be happy in my paradise *big grin*"
"And that is the only thing that matters right?"

no seriously?
cant u just do other things?