pengakuan dosa

ok ok ppl, i smoke. n wih this fd-thing going on, its getting worse. last week i smoked a pack in 2 days.. tsk tsk tsk.

until i sit in junior high, i hated ppl who smoke. i loathed them. thought that its a very bad habit and it's also annoys ppl around the smoker.
then i moved to Papua in my third year, met new friends, some i could call as bestfriends. And then one of 'em taught me to smoke. It was a very confusing moment for me, I guess. First try didnt work, i couldnt quite work out how to breathe in-and-blow the smoke out thing. Second try (since 1st try didnt work i was beginning to get curious) I quite succeeded, but then i had to learn not to make the filter all wet :p

Anyhow, mum found out, then she told me that she could understand that this is only a period where kids tend to try out anything. And.. bla bla bla.. i let my mother's words seeped out my system. But yeah, at that time, I took smoking as a thing that i did as a leisure. So.. not yet addctd :p

high school: i got along fine, forgot bout the smoking thing, n then i got myself with this ****** boyfriend :D n in the end i startd smoking again. but, again, i only did it as a.. er.. rebellious act against him, hehe
after i broke up with that guy, i stoppd smoking as well

then, hogeschool.. i broke up with someone n then bought a pack of mrlboro lite xD
but tht's it (at that time -1st yr). 2nd year, i remembered that i always had a pack in my bag that i carried along for months i think. so,jst in case of emergency :p 3rd year.. in Indo, i got a colleague/soulmate/partner-in-crime/sister that.. lemme just say more "experienced" in this smoking stuff. n one fine day before going to the office, i found a pack of mrlboro (half-full) with a lighter lying on the bench where the bus-stop is. and i thought "oh, this is a sign from above that i hv to smoke again" (xD)

aFterwork, as we walkd down to the shopping centre, head-cramped, i remembered about the pack i had found earlier.. "eh *** (nama disamarkan, red. :p) mo ngrokok ga?" n that's the beginning of everything :D well that friend of mine actually had made a commtment bfore she went to Indo, that she'd stop smoking. first of course she was startld, coz she didnt even know that im a (semi)smoker. but then i guess after hearing my story on how i had found the cigarettes n the fact that my offer was too good to be passed, she joyfully agreed.

It was the beginning of everything and the end of one thing. I ended my smoking-chastity, and.. the beginning of our adventure (finding a good place to smoke without being noticed is kinda like an adventure in Tembagapura, haha.. ), the 'secret society' (only selectd ppl may go with us to those secret places), and having my smoking-level bar raised. (no i never blame you, my pren :D)

going back to the Neths, i moved to utrecht, n didnt bother of buying cigs until another broke up (lol :D) but i really got a money-crisis so i just bought the cheapest pack (still, it costd bout € 3,5) n emptied it in a week. after that i stopped until i moved back to a'dam, met my friend again, them i smoked again, but yeah, since i was still broke i nvr bought my own cigs :p

oh yeah, there was also this period whn i for no reason startd the smoking habit again.

n now, with the final dissertation deadline looming nearer, er.. ya i just feel that a couple of cigs can calm down the nerve. ya, i know i should probably be better if i just rely more to The Almighty, but.. i guess some ppl just want to hv things in an instant (go smoke a cig than spend 5 minutes praying, altho the amount of time is almost the same). So far I always thought to myself that, this thing is just tmporary, i can stop (and start) anytime I want.

er.. yeah, so im gonna end up my confession. and start working on my fd..

exercise ur music muscle ^^ (2)

ok..setelah googling lagi.. ternyata its a virgin digital ad, yg dilaunch november 05 lalu, dan there are actually 74 bands/artists in it :)
dan of course there are also some websites that publishes the answer :p
ah ya.. no peeking, hehe..

exercise ur music muscle ^^

My friend gave me this picture via email.. and its kinda cool. i dunno when did Virgin Digital published this, but.. my friend told me that the pic contains 50 or so bands.. :)

i guess u should click the picture to make it bigger.
here is the list with band names that i could think of (pardon me, but its 36 minutes after midnight and i just got back from work, toooo tired to imagine many band names associated in the picture) :)
gut lak.. ^^

- scissor sisters
- led zeppelin
- gorillaz
- matchbox 20
- guns n roses
- smashing pumpkins
- the eagles
- alice in chains
- ...

you belong to me (8)

see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old Algier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me

and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me...

no i wont want the song played on my wedding day, i prefer to b the killer in the story :p (altho its a male). so i'll b killing successful n intlligent (but lonely) men, hahaha >:D

True, its a sweet song,.. got cover versions of it sung by Tori Amos, Wallflowers' sexy frontman Jakob Dylan, ada yg dr Firehouse juga, the Duprees (oldies ..), vonda shephard, michael buble, hehe.. cocok buat org2 yg sdikit obsessive :D

Shakespeare's Lamb's Tales: Twelfth Night; Or, WhatYou Will

Come away, come away, Death,
And in sad cypress let me be laid;
Fly away, fly away, breath,
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
My shroud of white stuck all with yew, O prepare it!
My part of death no one so true did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet,
On my black coffin let there be strewn:
Not a friend, not a friend greet
My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown.
A thousand thousand sighs to save, lay me O where
Sad true lover never find my grave, to weep there!

(la la la)

You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over

I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted

If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
-Lisa Loeb, Fools Like Me

has it nvr occurd 2 u that ure not being fair 2 her 4 concealing the truth?
has it nvr occurd 2 u that ure not being fair 2 me 4 letting me put up w/ the fact that i love u n u love me but u can nvr let go of her?
that i wish to end all this but cant coz i thought love's always worth fighting for?
but then again theres no logic in this n basically we r ok except one sole remark.. "she's the one who broke up with me, i nvr said anything that goes with (nor against) it"
i hope i could just punch u in the face n screamed "The HELL with YOU n your INDECISIVENESS!" looking for a place inside ur mind,
coz i dun want 2 leave it all behind..
(Feeder, Turn)


Reporting from the blogosphere has already changed the face of politics, journalism and even publishing. And the changes have only just begun.
Bloggers Strike Back by Glenn Greenwald, AlterNet. (May 11, 2006)

I wonder when will Indonesian blogger really affect the country.. 5 years? 3?

growing up is hard

when it gets to the point, that you no longer know why and what are you doing, what can you do?
read books? go outside? pray? cook? gardening? jumping around in circles?
i know my obligations, all the responsibilites
i wonder why am i easily gotten tired by it
why i know a lot of good friends of mine have more, and are having no problem in coping with them.
its easier to let go and fall down than climbing upwards
easier to ruin a relationship than maintaining one
easier to neglect every obligation than completing it
n watching animatrix makes you wonder "whats more in this life"
besides my FD, i got three books left to read :D
the Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, the H2G2, n Haroun n the Sea of Stories.. altho hvnt finished the first two, I already put them in my fav list, coz.. so far i cant stop myself reading them. dan mengingat dua2nya sngt tebalz (im reading the bundled volume of h2g2, and the other book is 1006 pages :D) kl dibaca terus2an gw bisa lupa ma yg laen2..
n today i wtchd ghost in the shell, animatrix (again) n star wars II
ghost in the shell lumayan juga, i saw the second one is already on dvd.. n cant wait to see it
the league of extraordinary gentlemen vol 1 juga dah slese, wanna read the second volume now..
i finishd v for vendetta the graphic novel 2 days ago, n it is different than the movie. myb i'll write about it later.. yg jelas yg ngadaptasiin k filmnya pinter :) the movie's richer, more magnificent, more spectacular.. im glad what they hv done to the original story n visuals (n soundtrack as well)

i met my junior high friend in YM, n she told me that lately how she missed her family (her fathr is working for freeport), n she felt stressd out by her lab-job n her studies, of course

ppl hv rough times i know, n its not good for me to whine n try to escape from the R word.
i wish i could find that motivation, the strong reason why im doing all these.. before its too late =/


The cushions pieces are light and easily inflatable with a standard domestic hair dryer. They are extremely durable. They can bear weight of up to one ton.

Rest your bum by Superreal

im just a human.. therefore allow me to be weird :p

Nia.. I read ur post
n now i feel obliged to link up with the chain :P

tp sbenerny i always think that im a weird folk, so.. evrything i do basically (i think) r weird. ppl who know me will say that im one of those persons who live in my own world.. inside my head.. :p
n stelah dipikir2 bbrp emg lbih pas dibilang 'deficiencies' :p

so i tried to compile a list of 'em
my weirdnesses are..
dereng deng deng
  • males mandi huahauhauhauh.. dunno why, tapi aku tu bisa mikir kl mandi tu not very2 necessary :p tp emg sih, stelah bbrp hari ga mandi biasanya sekalinya mandi tu yg nyaris satu jam :D
    u know, lama2 d bawah shower, imagining kl gw lg standing in the rain.. smbil nangis2 menyesali hidup.. heheh
  • suka ngomong sendiri i know some ppl also do this.. but.. tetep aja aneh :p
  • im a destroyer klo midas ngubah apapun yg dia sentuh jd emas.. sy do destructive things :p hehehe.. i mean, kl lg megang apapun gitu, kertas terutama, pasti tak remes2 (unconsciously) ato ga disobek2 gtu.. jadi kl misalny pas megang karcis or tiket, i always put em away, ga dibiarin lama2 di tangan.
    destroyer ini juga berlaku buat other stuffs.. coz me is a clumsy girl.. ni juga termasuk self-destructing thoughts
  • have an oversensitive legs yak. my weak-spot: my leg :D dulu kl berantem ma adek gw gtu. dia nyergap kaki gw, trus saya pun meronta2 kegelian.. (ni weirdness yg agak kinky actually :p)
  • suka manyun tanpa sadar yg ini sih jd bahan ledekan banget -.-"
  • uban yep.. my infamous streak of grey hair :D which im so proud of, heheh
  • like mice n rodents i think they're cute, n fast, n speedy, quick-witted. dulu wktu kecil sbenerny punya list of pets that i would really like to have: a snake, a mice (yg bakal gw kasih nama li'l missy), 4 turtles (yg bakal dikasih nama: michaelangelo, raphael, lenoard, donatello.. hehe.. yep.. TMNT:D), a pony, n a tiger (terinspirasi oleh Rajah-nya Jasmine d Aladdin :p)
  • i believed in aliens ini wktu kecil sih.. punya 3 imaginary alien friends that crash-landed on earth and lived underneath my house in Borneo :p n i communicated with them using a bell -.-" n they gave me a 'magic seed' (yg sbenerny cuma kacang ijo), n that a rose would grew if i plant those seeds (yeah.. bunga toge), dan gw bilang ma sahabat gw wktu itu, si nena, kl tu biji msti dikasih aer tiap kali org yg nanem minum, dan dikasih pupuk tiap kali dia makan (ga ngerti kan?)
  • think radiohead is awesome well kbanyakan yg ga suka radiohead declares kl mereka aneh.. so, im just following the trend :p but i DO love them, theyre just genius.. tp pokokny yg blg r-head aneh n that ppl who like their music as weird.. well.. theyre the ones who r weird.. :p :p :p
  • mmpunyai cara saving yg aneh umm i prefer to go out only carrying my coin-purse than my real wallet. coz d sana kan yg ada duit2 kecil koin doang, jdiny sy tdk terlalu tempted buat jajan2.. tp kl misalny koinny udh terlalu banyak, i split them in half. how? jadi koin 2 euroan aku itungin ada brapa, dibagi 2, koin 1 euro, koin 50 sen, semuanya digituin.. down to the last cents :p dan kl ganjil, jml yg paling banyak yang ditaro di celengan (yes ppl, sy punya celengan :D bntuknya tikus, heheh.. b'day prsent dr neysa)
  • suka ngebayangin diri sendiri jadi PRT huahahah.. yg ini saya agak malu mengakuinya :"> tidak teman2, bukan gara2 sy kbanyakan kerja, tp emg dr duluuuuu gw udh suka ngebayangin yg kyk gini :p
  • think that u dont hv to be in love in order to have a long-lasting relationship :p yg penting adalah komitmen, niat dan rasa tanggung jawab, sodara2 :p hehehe *lari sbelum ditimpuk*
  • polygami is not a bad thing.. :p imagine, u can split those obligatons of taking care of a husband with someone else.. so that u can use other part of ur brain n power to do more useful stuffs (joining the red-cross, be a super-busy career woman, for example) without feeling guilty
  • love to hv suicidal-thoughts whenever my moods r low ya.. i dont hv to explain this one.. especially klo lagi PMS.. huhuh.. n actually i like to think 'what if i just die now?' dimanapun, kapanpun, ngebayangin ways that i could die (intended or unintended) n what hppnd if i die :p
  • pyromaniacmohon cek dictionary terdekat :p sy suka lihat api.. suka main2 korek, jadi pengen bakar2 stuffs kl liat api, tp demi keselamatan org2 skitar hobi ini tidak pernah saya kembangkan
  • keanehan terakhir (promise): if i hv a list of books to read, guess in what order i would read em..? i would read em by the order of the year the books r publishd. dan kl misalny ada yg sama, yang ISSN numberny paling dikit-lah yg bakal gw baca duluan.. why? dunno.. :P

    and.. those all the little weird things that i use to do.. :) kok rada banyak yah ^^" ulma mohon diri, dan bagi anda2 yg mmbaca postingan ini.. u are OBLIGED to post ur weirdness as well in ur blog (preferably)