pengakuan dosa

ok ok ppl, i smoke. n wih this fd-thing going on, its getting worse. last week i smoked a pack in 2 days.. tsk tsk tsk.

until i sit in junior high, i hated ppl who smoke. i loathed them. thought that its a very bad habit and it's also annoys ppl around the smoker.
then i moved to Papua in my third year, met new friends, some i could call as bestfriends. And then one of 'em taught me to smoke. It was a very confusing moment for me, I guess. First try didnt work, i couldnt quite work out how to breathe in-and-blow the smoke out thing. Second try (since 1st try didnt work i was beginning to get curious) I quite succeeded, but then i had to learn not to make the filter all wet :p

Anyhow, mum found out, then she told me that she could understand that this is only a period where kids tend to try out anything. And.. bla bla bla.. i let my mother's words seeped out my system. But yeah, at that time, I took smoking as a thing that i did as a leisure. So.. not yet addctd :p

high school: i got along fine, forgot bout the smoking thing, n then i got myself with this ****** boyfriend :D n in the end i startd smoking again. but, again, i only did it as a.. er.. rebellious act against him, hehe
after i broke up with that guy, i stoppd smoking as well

then, hogeschool.. i broke up with someone n then bought a pack of mrlboro lite xD
but tht's it (at that time -1st yr). 2nd year, i remembered that i always had a pack in my bag that i carried along for months i think. so,jst in case of emergency :p 3rd year.. in Indo, i got a colleague/soulmate/partner-in-crime/sister that.. lemme just say more "experienced" in this smoking stuff. n one fine day before going to the office, i found a pack of mrlboro (half-full) with a lighter lying on the bench where the bus-stop is. and i thought "oh, this is a sign from above that i hv to smoke again" (xD)

aFterwork, as we walkd down to the shopping centre, head-cramped, i remembered about the pack i had found earlier.. "eh *** (nama disamarkan, red. :p) mo ngrokok ga?" n that's the beginning of everything :D well that friend of mine actually had made a commtment bfore she went to Indo, that she'd stop smoking. first of course she was startld, coz she didnt even know that im a (semi)smoker. but then i guess after hearing my story on how i had found the cigarettes n the fact that my offer was too good to be passed, she joyfully agreed.

It was the beginning of everything and the end of one thing. I ended my smoking-chastity, and.. the beginning of our adventure (finding a good place to smoke without being noticed is kinda like an adventure in Tembagapura, haha.. ), the 'secret society' (only selectd ppl may go with us to those secret places), and having my smoking-level bar raised. (no i never blame you, my pren :D)

going back to the Neths, i moved to utrecht, n didnt bother of buying cigs until another broke up (lol :D) but i really got a money-crisis so i just bought the cheapest pack (still, it costd bout € 3,5) n emptied it in a week. after that i stopped until i moved back to a'dam, met my friend again, them i smoked again, but yeah, since i was still broke i nvr bought my own cigs :p

oh yeah, there was also this period whn i for no reason startd the smoking habit again.

n now, with the final dissertation deadline looming nearer, er.. ya i just feel that a couple of cigs can calm down the nerve. ya, i know i should probably be better if i just rely more to The Almighty, but.. i guess some ppl just want to hv things in an instant (go smoke a cig than spend 5 minutes praying, altho the amount of time is almost the same). So far I always thought to myself that, this thing is just tmporary, i can stop (and start) anytime I want.

er.. yeah, so im gonna end up my confession. and start working on my fd..