rehab day 1

after.. the whole post-break up mess thing. (includes: asked mr. ex to come back, sent frantic emails, texts to him, his mum, my parents, bugging my bestfriends for hours.. bitching complaining.. whining.. *sigh the whole roller-coaster of "i want him back" "no i dont" "i miss him" "im just gonna torture that poor guy")

lemme see its been.. 10 days? i kept a "manual" journal. means its not digital.. old fashioned pen and paper-diary =D

i promised myself (well also encouraged by mr. ex) to.. fix my life. be stronger. the whole package. and since i dont really have anything to do =p no need to go outside or socialize or have any activity like any normal ppl do xp basically sentencing myself to the lifestyle of a hermit =p (Uhm wait.. i hv always been... kinda.. sorta......)

so i decided to go back to God. Challenge myself kind of thing. I just passed one day of doing the 5 contact prayers.. it's TOUGH. i havent done it for a long time. and i didnt want it to be just prayers, i wanted it to be where i really concentrated on the dua's that i cited,their meanings, tasbih afterwards, read verses from the Koran and their meaning, think about it,use it in my closing dua, and end the "ritual" with a 'gratitude sujud'. afterwards i checkd the indonesian translation with the one from rashad kalifa (there are a lot of controversies on him, but i like his works.. and my Dad likes him, so.. =p but umm yea i know i shouldnt follow him 'blindly'. but this is by far what i got.).. i mean those indonesian translation sometimes sounds confusing. No wonder ppl lost interest in reading them and concentrate more on tajwid and how to make beautiful noises out of it. Dad installed RK's 'Quran- The Final Testament' (he got it from a friend of his.. there r some programmes available here, but none of them is what i have) when he was here and its really handy. Complete with footnotes and appendices.

And try to.. let's say.. be "pure" again. Like, try to completely surrender my soul to God. Which actually requires me to trust my own "soul" and believe in it. And its hard. Im used to being sceptic and not believing. especially towards myself.

and so.. i decided to "rehab" myself.. for at least 3 days xD well, i want to see if i can go through the 3 days and continue it.. for a week... i mean.. its hard.. i think.. especially umm if im done 'rehab'-ing, and want to live 'righteous'ly, understand Koran and try to apply it in daily life.. geez.. i dunno when that day would come or will i even reach that stage. this has only been one day, 5 prayers, and 104 verses.. it's already felt heavy =p especially when u read those verses and realised ure not living your life the way you're spposed to be. *sigh and yea, a lot to remember.. a lot of things need to be applied..

The real test is the "world out there". For example, "When the devil whispers to you any whisper, seek refuge in God; He is Hearer, Omniscient. Those who are righteous, whenever the devil approaches them with an idea, they remember (God), whereupon they become seers" (Indonesian translation version: they can see that its the devil) - The Purgatory/Al A'Raaf 200-201.

Seems pretty simple but .. u bet know that its hard xD u cant always.. remember. even if i stay at home, i still have this urge to b*tch n moan.. and when i go outside.. i meet people.. see stuffs.. and people here dont care about God.. and they're fine.. of course the Koran said they wouldnt be fine in the Hereafter, but they dont even believe in the Hereafter. They're enjoying the moment! Whats not a bigger temptation than that? =p

And I just finished the 8th Sura 'Spoils of War' (Al Anfaal).. it really got interesting stuffs. And and i think moslems should read their Koran everyday, not only citing madly to those arabic letters, but also its meanings. Also I know in Indonesia, people are a bit discouraged from learning the Koran cause they have to learn to read this whole new language with its weird symbols and rules... My dad was one of them =p but thank God he awesomely overcame it and after that he always showered us with the beauty and wonder of our religion (love you, Dad)..

when i was a kid i was pretty proud of myself who could do all 5 prayers in a day (still remember that Dad only obliged me to do the Subuh and the Maghrib ones), read the Koran,... and i thought my life would be fine.. but NOOOOOO.. its not that easy... =p And i know, here, its hard to do all 5 prayers (my excuse at least). . I skipped once or twice and then decided to 'go easy' on myself and ended up never really doing it =p and i started to do other, many unrighteous things as well.. (pls dont ask about it =p)

umm yea.. so we'll see.. am i gonna disappoint myself as usual.. or .. not.. uhm 2 days to go.. haha..

And let me close the post with this:
Thus, you should not grieve over anything you miss, nor be proud of anything He has bestowed upon you. God does not love those who are boastful, proud. (Iron/Al-Hadeed:57)
Ahum.. God bless you all =]

2 komentar:

nez mengatakan...

lho? putus?

the mouse mengatakan...

yeah.. dont ask me how i feel.. im still a mess :p