this was originally written last night before i'm going to bed.. on my new phone :p

The problem with myself has always came down to one line: I sometimes just don't know what I want in my life. Even if I know, sometimes it's not specific enough, or I have no extra motivation to achieve it.

I am not a competitive nor an ambitious person. If I don't get things my way, I'd compromise. That and I always said to myself, nothing really matters. That sometimes life is just a big joke. That God granted me life just to make me realise that it's not worth it. (Yezz.. only the afterlife matters... why do we have to be here anyway?)

Plus, my sense of inferiority really hinders me from really wanting to achieve anything. (I am the so-called under achiever :p)

Adding to that, it's been always hard for me to commit to anything, to anyone, even to myself. Bad for relationship, I know. so that's why I think less of myself, of what I want, and have this "if he's happy then I'm happy" thought in my head. which is wrong :p

What if that i wont find out what I'm good at for the rest of my life? My parents wont be always here to defend me. I don't want to be those mid-forty who is still complaining how shitty my life is.

Shit it's just because of the rolling stones show in mtv n watching factory girl. there was this guy, Russel, on the show that really reminds me of myself. He has a lot of talents but he also tends to screw everything up by being disrespectful to his job (which solely because he disrespect himself).

The factory girl is a movie. will review it later :p

Ruben once offered me to do "something that i like" in between my overwhelming tasks :p And i was completely baffled, lost for word coz hv no clue what it would be :D

But well I think I'd offer myself to work on our website since it really needs a lot of updating.