when does it start to loose its meaning?

I Love You.

I Love You.
I swear I do.

Although my thoughts constantly rejects you.
Although my conscience keep yelling,
"Oh this is wrong! This is so wrong!!"

I Love You.
I do!

And of course,
of course I want to marry you!
You'll be happy,
who cares if I'll be blue?

I Love You.
I really do..

or at least I am trying to.

something that shewrote but hesitate to post :p

sumtimes u say it like ure just reading from a text
sumtimes u really want to say it but u know ur heart will break from the moment those words escape from your lips
coz u cant handle the consequences and that it might hurt you more than u can imagine

oh.. n lookie lookie here what i've found:


they also hv a list randomizer. mine look sumthin like this xD i think it can help me with my list of priorities.. lol..

True Random Number Service

List Randomizer

There were 3 items in your list. Here they are in random order:


  1. get married

  2. get a masters degree

  3. hv children

Timestamp: 2008-10-29 13:11:40 UTC

 

a dr. phil moment..

talk about what ppl want in their life.. i for example, am always unsure xD

i cant think about myself, what i want, coz i will always add other ppl to the equation. and when there's nobody else to think about besides myself, for example, should i go to holland after high school, or stay? i'd leave the decision to "the condition, to momentum". so at that time, "if i passed all the test i'd go", so it wasnt about, "do i want it?" :p well yea of course i wanted the adventure, but.. apparently it's spposed to b more than that xD
and choosing which major, i still kinda regret why i didn't go for IT instead :p

but.. anyway,

not be able to think for myself has made me a person who:
-cant say no
-make promises that i cant keep
-is very uhm.. indecisive. thats why i suck at decision making, thats why i prefer to flip coins.. if only every decisions can be made as easy as flipping coins xD unfortunately most of the time there's more than two options n ppl wont accept the reason "the coin said so". (see im thinking about other ppl again). i also oftenly changed my decision in a snap just bcoz other ppl said differently.



-screwed list of priority. coz instead of working out things thats important for me first, i'd tend to work on/think about what might b important for othr ppl.

so me n prima talkd about this yesterday, and the cousin of hers yg know exactly what she wants, and sticks to it and be happy although her parents (her mum) disapproved in the beginning and gave her a hard time. but it just came thru in the end, and she's happy. oh how i wish i can be like that.

prima also pointed out the fact that i dont know what i want. the recent example of course when i bought a one way ticket to indonesia only to change it to retour the week after. as my brain lookd for possible reason why im being so indecisive, i said to her that "its because as a kid i nvr made decisions for myself, my family moved around, n im always in the condition where everything has been arranged for me".

annnnd then prima said, in short, "get a life.. dont blame ur past, u can always blame ur past for the rest of your life, do you want to stay that way?" - yeah but of course she didnt come out with that on her own. guess where she heard it... OPRAH hahah..

well anyway, thats true.. i really hv to work on this.. umm indecisiveness.. the problem is, when i try to think again, what i want.. well i always think that most ppl dont know what they want. what they want might not be good for them while what they dont want might actually hv been better. plus this miswanting paper iko gave me.. hahah.. just highlighted that. so the authors coined the phrase ‘miswanting’ which they defined as the condition when wanting and liking are uncoordinated in a way such that when finally getting what u want, u realised that u dont like it. (hereby the term "be careful what u wished for" can be applied :p)

So their conclusion was:
1. Want is susceptible to error
2. Even when people could predict how much they would like something when it happened, they still cant predict how it would affect them in the long run.

Why?
because we might misunderstood events, misunderstood ourselves, and misinterpret the feelings.
because happiness is actually influenced by a lot of other stuffs, and its just impossible to think about all of these other stuffs.

but anyhow, i think those wont apply to ppl who really2 understand themselves..

my dad said something along the line of: that although most of the time ppl dont know what they want. praying and therefore clearing our conscience and asking for His guidance helped coz He gave us brains and with a clear mind we could "hear" Him

elvin said: its a matter of expectation management (gee hv to look that up)

dst...

satu jam yg lalu.. 2 am
dan sekarang .. masih 2 am xD (thanks to automated dst changing pc n mobile phone clocks.. jd ga perlu cape2 mundurin jam)

yea thanks to daylight savings time ppl can sleep an hour longer.. :D
or for ppl who werent asleep yet, it felt like the time stopped o_O

:p

Dear .,

the truth is, i don't know if any of these is love

but i guess we could still get married
i promise I'll learn how to love you
i could also promise to think of things other than how to love you
be a good wife, do the house chores, etc.

nobody needs butterflies in their stomach rite?

(imagining conversation with God)

"Tuhan saya menikah karena mencari pahala."
"Tentu boleh"
"I dont know if I ever gonna be happy"
"You'll be happy in my paradise *big grin*"
"And that is the only thing that matters right?"
*silence*

no seriously?
cant u just do other things?

day the fourth

so here i am, typing in the dark with my hi-tech sister's laptop
its 1.19 am n everybody's asleep
i was asleep as well until a weird dream woke me up and now i just cant go back to sleep -.-
probably its the hazelnut latte

so im entering my fourth day in Jakarta, umm.. nea not really coz technically my SQ954 flight landed at 9.40 am last Monday, so... now is like my 3 days, 15 hours and 20 minutes :P

stupid calculations aside..

im glad that jakarta is still warm and humid :D 30 degrees most of the time. compared to the country i left behind, 13 degrees :p plus wind and cloud and rain.. hihihi..

i finally got to see my finished house. last time i went home was march 2007 and it wasnt done yet.

my sisters n bros are wonderful :D well i only see wasi, layina and rawdy since bil's still stuck with univ. stuff. he'll b here tomorrow, Gw. and dad's also still stuck with his work, baru bs dateng tgl 22 T_T

wasi has grown into this tall, fashion-aware but not fashion-wannabe girl :D she loves reading, which im very glad of ^^ she also already kinda developed her own character. she knows what she likes and dislikes n stand for them. im still lost until now :p

layina is the high-tech girl. amiably navigating her nokia communicator (i still have nooo clue how that thing works). she uses opera for browsing, instead of IE :P or firefox :P xD (myb i should ask her to try chrome) she's content in her own nerdy aura.. i mean, she doesnt hv this low self-confidence. we were in this ibu2 gathering last night, and she's not the shy girl who waited till somebody came n talk to her. she could casually start conversations with the other kids. oh yea, she's also humas di OSIS :D at her age, i was trying hard to fly below the radar :P which continued until my college-days :p

rawdy... is this very active boy. he's thinner than a year ago. with longer hair xD proud bearer of yellow belt in tae kwon do, loved the lego racers toy i bought for him. it has this ramp with road obstacles that was meant to be crashed -.- i mean,.. wth.. why would u build something only to destroy it? but iko said that its normal for boys to destroy things.. uh-huh..

im plnning to post some pics as well, but couldnt since the battery of my camera is low. but i already found two weird indonesianized foreign food: one is a hot-dog croissant with SAMBAL sauce. altho the croissant's very good.. surprisingly buttery and has crispy flakey texture.
and rolled lasagna.. which is shaped like a lumpia. maybe they should change the name to italian springroll or something. also eaten with sambal sauce xD

annddd people are still trying their hardest in making money -.- im so mad when our house got calls from insurance/travel agents.. offering stuff... Geez.. since whennnn???? its like those news i read of what happend in the States where ppl complaind about privacy intrusion whnver they got calls from ppl like that. im not sure if indonesia/jakarta already has special privacy-protection offices for these kinds of things. plus those annoying sales people -.- theyre everywhere -.- in the mall, (of course), in the restaurant, drug store... cant believe that most drug/multivitamin brands in a drug store has their own sales person (most of them female).

me n mum went to guardian (a drug store, like kruidvat or etos in NL) 2 days ago, at first i wasnt really aware of these mbak2 crowding at the vitamin section. i thought they're all employees at the mall and they just like having casual chit-chats like they do all day anyway. oh yeah.. i noticed that most stores/commercial places are over-employed.. but considering that this country has lots n lots of ppl anyway.. i guess its a good (temporary) solution for the large availability of human power. why temporary? cozzz... most of the time over-employed >> low-efficiency... annnddd probably those ppl werent paid as much as the minimum standard wage.

anyway, back to the story, apparently those mbak2 are sales rep for different multivitamin brands. u know that there's a lot of brands right? so there were like 6 or 7 of them.. trying to sell vitamin C n stuff to my mum -.- i was surprised.. coz what i expectd was a drugstore employee that can give advices to my mum about the right type of vitamin or supplement, not 6 or 7 sales people harrassing her -___________-

so in the end mum overspent on 90 tablets multivitamin and 60 vitamin C bear gummies. *sigh*. why overspent? coz tadinya mum cuma mo beli vit. c buat layina. she bought one, paid for it, but then i checked it n turnd out that they were chew-tablets, which layina doesnt like. so she had to go back n return it, but apparently she could only exchange it for another product from the same brand. that brand did not have normal vitamin c tablets, the one that u just swallow with water. so instead, mum exchanged it with the 90 tablets multivitamin, which costed twice as much as the vitamin c -.-

but she still need vitamin c.. emm so another mbak2 came and offered the gummy bear vitamins: "also contains echinaea which boosts child's immunity" (yea whatev.. we only need vit.c).. so there you go..

howeva, i still somehow find little blessings during these last three humid days. most of them were from the smaller kids, friends of my sis n bros, they are still happy and playful, sunshine and optimism in their faces. i mean, as long i can see happy kids playing, the world hasnt gone that bad yet xD oh and the food.. food in indonesia are still the best.. yea and the hospitality, either made-ups, addressed to the money inside your wallet/bank account; or just plain sincere from the heart.

and yea, i still think that moslems in indonesia still need to learn about true tolerance. instead of shouting for more islamitised system (for example), but think about people from other religions/beliefs. we were never a secular country, and only because most of us has islam written down in our ID, doesnt mean that this country is reserved for moslems only. i dont want to see this country become a country of hypochrites (still disagree with the ppl doing razia n got angry when a club/pub is open during Ramadhan). (ardho has a post on this but im too lazy to look it up ;P)

will edit this post as soon as i can make some time ;p

cheeeersssss,


sweaty me.

i'm a parquin

coz i like to stay in a corner and deny my own existence xD (self-loathe mode on)
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