sometimes i thought that i want too little out of life, or too general, not specific: happiness in this world and of course the hereafter. I tried to make it more specific, did self-searching, focus more on myself.. did things that make me happy.. it didnt work. i turned out to be super-selfish.
so i concluded that maybe i can never be like those people with high dreams and aspirations, have specific objectives and goals, what to pursue in their life. well, i know i could if i want to, but all these times i found out that i cant really focus on myself :p people told me that you have to know what you want in this life. what if im just one of those ppl who dont want a lot of things..or am i the only one? :P Like.. why go to Holland? honestly the only thing that passed my mind was 'the adventure' :p
why work in NGO? coz its adventurous, you never knew when you get the money, and you can travel.. plus you get to help other ppl, and even got paid!
of course i like money, all the nice things you could buy with it. and i like working, do/create stuffs.. so i can never see myself as an investor who just put money somewhere and let it grow (yet) xp and definitely, i dont want to be a burden to anyone. i dont know, im 24 so myb its already to late to change my mind-set.
i know i did a lot of bad/irresponsible things in the past. some of them came out of arrogance when i got too comfortable with my life. so maybe i am not allowed to be too comfy coz then i'd forget about othr ppl.. and Him.
....
myb ppl will say 'you wont say the same thing when ure rich&successful'. umm yea.. im still doubting if i will ever reach that stage...
i dont know.. myb i had a too happy childhood xD no worries and carefree..
or myb its the weather..
oh living up to parents' expectations? my parents are pretty laid-back.. the kind of parents who'd love you just the way you are..
so tell me, should i be worried? xD
*sigh

--an extended version of my text msg to DaD

u showed me what love means
u showed me what being true to yourself means
u really have this heart of gold
this strength and perseverance
...
i destroyed and wasted everything.
Its all my fault.
I really wish for you to be happy.

lied to you a thousand times
hurt you a thousand times
betrayed you
i dont even think i could forgive myself
i dont even think u can
i dont know if im strong enough
i dont know if you are

i can really listen to Harriet Wheeler's sweet voice any time of the day <3

Town lights shining,
this is the place for me now.
Blurred - loving every word.
This hill, yourself, and I.

(The Sundays - Gone)

Before I really forgot to mention it here..

Please enjoy Found songs:
Erla's Waltz | Raein | Romance | Allt var hljott | Lost Song | Faun | Ljosid

Thanks so much, the shelf.

‘Found Songs’

Day I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII

this is what a friend told me when i told him about my 'problems':

11:43:29 AM:
whoa.... you should go home and get married

tsk.. tsk.. tsk..

Portishead - Glory Box

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long..

7 pounds.
a movie that left me feeling
extremely empty
extremely hollow
i swear i could somehow feel how ben thomas might feel.
bizarre.
will smith really notched up his acting skills.
that sad wry face of his..
reminds me of another actor
but dont remember who -_-
aargh. made me want to curl up inside my blanket,
and listen to jimi goodwin's mournful voice..

and you will mock me for being overtly dramatic

i posted a reply on a facebook status this morning.. its really silly.. :p something i did when i just woke up, a bit dazed, n found a rhyming competition.. (ok it wasnt but felt like that to me.. lol)

Ulma Nurriva Haryanto op 16 mei om 9:01
sparrow and crow
both dont know
sticky marshmallow will clamp their maw
they fly too low
became too slow
poor bird can't eat no more
no shallow thats too narrow
nothing hollow to follow
for them there's no tomorrow
birds should not eat marshmallow
but how could they know
nature's stone's throw
when their fore
slashed open by the king's arrow

morale: the king likes to shoot birds when he has nothing to do. if you're a bird dont eat marshmallow.

and the previous lines goes like this (othr names r hidden to protect their privacy :p)

I: am i too shallow to swallow?

Gisteren om 3:41

Ulma Nurriva Haryanto op 15 mei om 11:39
only when you follow the hollow..

D: om 1:48 op 16 mei via Facebook Mobile
maybe u need marshmallow

lick them, chew it slow

but don't just swallow

so you'll forget all the sorrow

n see a better light tomorrow

that the world is not that narrow

(from a friend's note)

I om 3:38 op 16 mei via Facebook Mobile
would she be a sparrow or another crow?
That i don't know

yeah.. its full of sticky stuff, swallowing, chewing n licking...n dead birds o_O