my (love)life is a sad story

i should've learned
that nothing good
comes out of anything
if i pushed too hard

i should've learned
the difference
between ignorance
and arrogance

i should've learned
times when i should stop,
let go,
and leave

go back to square one
and start again

Fajr Athan woke me. 6.25. missed sahur totally. i looked at my mobile. 4 missed calls. of course. last night. that was you.
and my head went around, spinning, darkness, thoughts, assumptions, negativities, churning.
that one thought. of you and that other girl. hurts me the most. oh yeah it happened again. of course, u've done it once, why not do it again. stupid karma is on action. like being sliced to little pieces by dozens of sharp piano strings. like trying to bend for all i could but being thrown back at a snap. and it hurts, like tiny molecular pains inside my head jumping up and down, millions, trillions of them, vibrating pains.
i was saying to myself, "God help me.. help me... help me..."
what should i expect?
i dont even listen to anything anymore
im at the bottom of the fire pit. burned roasted, while little evil creature pulling off my flesh, and it wont stop. my flesh grew back and more and more creatures came, ripping of everything, crunching munching away. i wonder if i would ever get accustomed to the pain. maybe hell have new tortures available for me whenever i get used to one.

the sky has a lighter shade of blue now
and sleep is not anywhere near
i stared to the ceiling
tried not to think of anything
stare... stare..stare ...

everything's happened, meaningless. everything's done, worthless.

he's my reason
he's my reason
he's my reason
i lost my reason

finally i reached for the phone
i thought i might call you
so i dialled your number
voice mail. dialled. voicemail. sade - smooth operator was playing. record.
disconnected. dialled. you answered (!). silence (for i couldnt say a thing). end. dialled. voicemail (u must've been trying to call me back). dialled. u picked up, i said nothing. ended. u called. i ignored.

sleep never come again. moon shine too. i think u're really gone now. i think it's done.