cant stand the heat

maybe it IS because of the heat. For the umphteenth time in my life, im confused. i dont know where to go. ppl said that now they are going to the next battle.
my case, very predictable, i dont know which battle? i dont smell any gunpowder?
all i know that im about to tread in a plasmic ground (borrowing ur phrase :p)
neither solid nor liquid, nor gas..
see.. THAT undescribable
im not happy for what is unknown to me
not a pleasant thing
and i dont like to share unpleasantness
that is what made me more sour

i hv to find a job
dear God, i have to find a real job
and that is so scary
all of my insecurities and negativities are rushing back
if i cant find a job then no way i can stay

she askd me to go home with her, then we can do projects together
i'd love to but i hv to decline
i instead decided to stay with him
i made a promise to myself at least try to survive this one

***
saying goodbyes is what im worst at
i can never stand it
especially to someone near
u know i always try to avoid every sort of emotional display

again, i dont like what im in -the whole situation
so i prefer hiding
but ok, now ive shared it with you, hope u understand